Pine Sap on your cloths can be a sticky situation - read on for solutions on how to get unstuck!

August 13, 2023

She's known as Gay Mumby to her friends, but in reality, she's Gay Mumby-Colby-Ottenstein-Manning and, most recently, Chesterfield.

It's an interesting transition when a former drug addict breaks her way into society. An overdose here, an overdose there, and plenty of wasted time squandered at very pricey rehab resorts. She proudly owns her plaque in the Overdose Hall of Fame. The Betty Ford Clinic is on her speed dial. While other kids were playing Pin-the-tail-on-the-Donkey, she was looking for a vein. While classmates were sledding in the snow, she was sniffing something similar up her nose. She's known for her excess, overkill, surplus, and oversupply. She's also so anally retentive she rarely sits down for fear of sucking up the furniture - a lingering side effect of too much blow.

Below, Gay outlines her instructions on how to live a perfect life:

1. Get off the junk just long enough to clean up and pull it together for a flawless presentation.

2. Hang out at the Turf Club, the Padres Skybox, and the bar at Red Tracton's.

3. Score a vulnerable, wealthy husband.

4. Pour on the romance and loyalty so thick he's sure you're in love and subsequently too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for a prenup

5. Use his money to buy a place in society and ongoing fuel for your bad spending and drug habits.

6. Stay married for at least 5 years, just enough to take him for half of everything. Unfortunately for her conquests, she spends their half while they are still married. A lavish spread in St. Tropez, a 5th Avenue pre-war townhouse, and a small barrier island off the coast of Bora-Bora. Bangles baubles and beads from Harry Winston and Cartier, and a Gulfstream G650. This vixen knows how to close a deal.

7. Celebrate your divorce by going on a year-long bender.

8. Rinse and repeat.

Her latest conquest was Aaron Wentworth the 3rd. A cute and loveable stud with a stunning jawline politely shrouded by a well-groomed beard and an addictive smile. Warm and cuddly on the outside and just as loveable on the inside. If he were gay, which he's not, he'd be the poster child for the Bear Culture. Aaron founded OxiClean by mixing a box of baking soda, hydrogen peroxide, and dehydrated non-chlorine bleach in his parents' redwood hot tub. He packaged it up in a used Cool-Whip container and sent it to Procter & Gamble. They scooped it up for $1.2B, and the rest is history. A notoriously lousy dresser, Gay's influence eradicated Aaron's former wardrobe tragedies and mishaps. She dressed him in an impeccably tailored gray Armani suit, a crisp white Dior oxford, and Mallini cognac wingtips. The two top buttons of the Dior were undone to reveal a wispy display of jet-black chest hair. Mountain man mixed with a good dose of Madison Avenue. Lumberjack chic, if you will. So sad that the crowd knew he was getting a divorce 5 years before he did. He was fortunate enough to walk with some of the cash, the 5-acre spread on Mt. Soledad, and the Lexington thoroughbred farm. She scored everything else.

Tonight's gala, chaired by Mumby herself, was a dedication soiree to christen the new Wentworth gallery at the Timken Museum in Balboa Park. So elaborate and overdone was the spread, most guests made snide remarks using terms from golddigger and social climber to she-devil. Nothing bothers her; her business of milking husbands comes first.

Laundress Lucca and Terry Cloth are both social friends of Gay. But they keep their contact to the occasional kiss-on-the-cheek and a verbal admiration of her jewelry and spectacular wardrobe. In fear of being on the wrong side of this shrew, it's best to steer clear to avoid any upset and be subjected to the wrath the consequences would surely bring. Lucca wore the classic Chanel little black dress with black Louboutin Stilettos; simple South Sea pearls adorned her neck to complete the ensemble. One can never go wrong with this simple but elegant look. Terry rocked the event in a lapis Valentino gown with a Bulgari ruby-and-diamond studded necklace. And as for Gay's uniform of the evening, she trumped everyone in the room. Her statuesque frame was adorned in a cream Lagerfeld, one-shoulder, exaggerated ruffle, bodycon bandage cocktail-party dress, and sky-high cherry-pink Jimmy Choos. A precocious Van Cleef & Arpels pendant with one 163-carat diamond surrounded by hundreds of sapphires came out of the vault. Her final accessory was a stunning pink Rebecca Minkoff clutch which held her precious stash for her frequent trips to the restroom for a quick bump. Even when she's not suffering from a cold, this poor dear always has the sniffles.



As the party raged on into the evening, it became noticeable that many party revelers had a pine-scented, very sticky substance that started to appear on everyone's precious garments. As it turned out, the landscapers had recently pruned the conifers on the patio, and the blunted branches were leaking sap directly onto the terrace and guests! An utter disaster for most, but leave it to the Laundress and Miss. Cloth to come up with a speedy remedy for the viscous goo. 

How to remove pine sap from clothing:

If you like to camp, hike or bring home a Christmas tree during the holidays, then you know the sinking, pit-in-you-stomach feeling of realizing you've sat in or leaned against sap! At first, it might not register. There are a lot of sticky elements in the grey outdoors, and not all of them are as lethal to your favorite quarter-zip fleece. Though once you've become conscious of the fact that you've managed to get sugary tree excrement on your beloved frock, the heart-wrenching sensation is unmatched. However, what if we told you that you'd never have to experience that pain again? That you would never have to discard another contaminated Montclair puffer jacket? Well, that is, in fact, what we are here to say. We've scoured the internet for every sap-eliminating tip and trick in the book, so you have multiple methods at your disposal the next time your garments come in contact with this dreaded natural adhesive. From expected remedies like stain remover to avant-garde options like peanut butter, here is the low-down on how to get tree sap out of your clothes. 

No matter which of the following processes you try, the first step should always be scraping away the still-tacky, excess goo using a spoon or dull knife. This will give your chosen treatment the best chance of success. Then, test for colorfastness using your selected technique by applying a drop to a hidden part of the fabric, rinsing, and blot drying. If color change doesn't occur, proceed as planned. If a color change occurs, pick another removal method. 


Freezing is the least invasive option, so it's always worth a shot. If it fits, place the entire garment in the freezer for about 15 minutes. Otherwise, rest a bag of ice on the stain for the same amount of time. Once the sap is sufficiently frozen, break it off with your hands and scrape the rest away using a spoon, dull knife, or ATM card. In some cases, this is all you need to do before running it through a preliminary wash and sending it to

Stain Remover: 

An obvious route, laundry stain remover does precisely what it's designed to do - even when the stain is gooey sap. Pour your go-to liquid directly onto the sap and use a rag or an old toothbrush to work it into the fabric. Let it continue to soak for about five minutes, and then wash it out with your regular detergent in the hottest cycle the garment's care label allows. This process should yield a stain-free item. Then proceed to add it to your pickup and delivery order with

Rubbing Alcohol or Hand Sanitizer: 

Rubbing alcohol or hand sanitizer, if you're on the go - tends to break down sap quite reliably. Use a rag or toothbrush to work it into the fabric, then let it soak for 15 minutes. Follow up with your regular detergent and the hottest wash cycle the garment's care label recommends. If all goes well, your garment will emerge sap-free. Lastly, proceed to add it to your pickup and delivery order with

Peanut Butter or Cooking Oil: 

If you don't have access to ice, stain remover, or rubbing alcohol, consider peanut butter or cooking oil as your last resort. While these household substances have the power to disintegrate sap, they may also leave oily stains of their own behind in their place, which you'd have to subsequently attempt to remove. An internal monologue about the lesser of two evils is bound to ensue. 

As a final note, don't get discouraged: You might need to repeat your treatment two or three times - or combine multiple methods from this list - to entirely remove the stain, so be patient and NEVER put the garment in the hot dryer between attempts. The heat could set any residual stain that would otherwise come out with another try, rendering it impossible to remove. 

And once you've removed the viscous goo, it's time to add the item to your weekly pickup and delivery order for the final wash-and-fold. And so, dear readers, it's not the end of the world when a pretty pine tree ejaculates its splooge; it just might take a while to recoup after the episodic frolic. 







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